What I Learned From Binge Watching Game of Thrones In 4 Days (NSFW) / by Jaz Malone

Yea, it was that kind of week. I fell sick out of nowhere. Sick enough to have to leave work early, to feel freezing cold and then sweltering hot, and to decide watching the entirety of a series described to me by several people as "brutal" would be a good way to deal with it.

So, while throwing my hair into two-strand twists so i didnt have to deal with it, and dying it blue for some reason, I settled in for warfare and political struggle. Here's what I gleaned:

1) Danearys Targarian has a fantastic wardrobe consultant.


I mean, really. In season one, she dressed in whatever Dothraki clothing her crazy new husband provided her. By the time season 2 ends, she's got all kinds of fun dresses, boots, armor, and capes - an incredible feat, considering her people were starving and thirsty in the desert for some time. She must have been giving all the water to her tailors, cause they did a great job.

I also learned that beyond dragons, I envy her eyebrows. Girl can work a thick brow like nobody else.


2) My life isn't so bad.

Sure, I've had some ups and downs, as does everyone. But the last 3 weddings I attended involved exactly zero deaths. I can't say the same for...well, anyone in the GoT universe.

3) One can accomplish anything, as long as one has snacks. 

The main issue Danearys had was lack of food and water. Beyond that, she did fine. Even Jaime Lannister's complaint when captured (before the hand loss), was hunger. Good snacks are key to keeping up a good mood. That, and not having Joffrey around. That guy was the worst.


4) Vaginas are OK. Penises are not.

I saw so many boobs and vaginas in this show. So. Many. Usually without reason. There were even moments where characters apologized for revealing their vaginas, and covered them back up. But male genetalia? Seven Old Gods forbid! Look, I'm all for nudity in everyday life. I went to art school. I know the deal. Bodies shouldn't be shamed, but they should be treated with respect. The respectful view of women's bodies was about 1 in every 100 incidents. Brutal rape, beatings, beheadings- all fine. But a clear shot of a penis was nowhere to be found. And don't give me that, "But Jaaazzzz, men in the show are subjected to crazy violence, too! They get stabbed and shot with arrows and limbs are removed!" Were the men stripped naked during this violence to enhance it? Usually not, you say? Only when the violence was in reaction to their sexuality, you say? Then shut it.

Anyway, here's a page full of penises, to even things out a little.


Will I keep watching season 5? Heck yes! I'm all caught up, and I'll be darned if I don't see who wins control of the seven kingdoms. P.S. Stannis is a buster. Don't even try to get me on his side. YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID, STANNIS. YOU JERK. And all y'all on Jaimie's side: where did your parents go wrong with you? You know he's still in love with his sister, right? Ok.